My Soul Cries Out to You
by Kingslvyer
Summary: What happens when all is lost? From Arthur's point of view.


**My Soul Cries Out to You**

"He's started cramping again...it's bad."

I called an ambulance, did everything I could quickly without hesitating, as I'd been trained by the nurse.

Later, in the ambulance, you woke up, so thin and weak. I let go of your hand just so I could brush away the strands of hair getting in your eyes.

"I'm sorry" I said. "I know you don't want to go to the hospital, but you were cramping, and I..."

He sighed. "It's fine."

"No, it's not fine."

"_This is..._it haven't been fine for a long time."

I'll never forgive whoever did this to you. Whoever made it this way...

I wanted to scream, but didn't let myself. Screaming wouldn't do you any good.

Why why why did _you _have to die!? The most beautiful child in the world, _my child. _

You.

You who could never eat cereal without spilling, who argued when I told you to go to bed, whose laugh used to wake me in the mornings as it spilled out from the livingroom... You came home crying when people had teased you for giving the wrong answer to a question, you used to be out playing all the time until you got sick. We thought we had it beat, but it came back. Why, why, why would you _do _that?! Have we not been punished enough?

_Why do you need to die for it to stop?_

You squeezed my hand, let out a low, heart-wrenching wail, making the world crack around the edges.

The paramedic, a woman in her thirties, leaned in, softly put her hand on your shoulder.

"Alfred, I'm gonna give you something for the pain, it'll feel better in a minute, okay?"

You nodded, grimaced, I wiped the tears off your cheek, bit the inside of my mouth to stop myself from crying like you did.

The paramedic got out a syringe and drew a clear liquid from a tiny bottle. In a matter of seconds your eyelids got heavier, tears stopped coming.

You had a set number of times to wake up.

Only...a few.

The medic looked at me. Above my dying son, our gazes met.

There were no words.

I squeezed your hand.

To see if it was still warm.

Soon it won't be.

These seconds.

These precious seconds.

It's all I have left.

Your hand still warm.

* * *

"I want the Redskins jacket."

"Sure."

"And a blanket. What if it's cold?"

"Blanket. Check."

"Who would've thought it'd be so much paperwork just to die?"

His comment hit me like a slap in the face. Had he always been this blunt?

"Yeah. Good thing you're only doing it once then."

"Mm..." He stared off in space, something he'd been doing a lot the past days.

"I wish I could have just been hit by a truck."

"Don't say that."

"I mean it! Bam, just like that. Dead. Not this goddamn disgusting way of going."

"Don't curse."

"As if it matters. Dad, I'm _dying._"

What do you say to that?

* * *

We ordered the latest World of Warcraft, with a bitter taste in our mouths. He said "If I don't get to play it, give it to Anton." Six months ago, I would have argued that he goddamn well better live to play it, and all the games after that, but now, _now... _Doing so would be pouring salt in his wounds. We both knew. Maybe he'd get to, maybe not.

* * *

When they rolled you through the door, the entire staff waved. They waved even though you wouldn't walk out of here.

_Why did they wave?_

It hadn't gone more than half a day before it got worse. Cramps, seizures and the time that stopped working until the next time you woke up crying.

The pain got worse, and you even yelled at the doctor, not yourself anymore.

"You promised me it wouldn't hurt!"

"I'm sorry, we're adjusting the dose, it's taking some time."

He held on to your bed, _your deathbed,_ and stood there and took the words you screamed at him. He didn't leave because he knew it had to be like this. Because this was the way it's gonna be and soon you wouldn't live anymore.

Soon your bed would be empty and my heart would be empty and my life would be empty and your room would be empty and your wheelchair would be empty and your desk would be empty and your chair would be empty and everywhere I went I would see you where you could have been, had you not been here.

We said goodbye and I wouldn't stop crying because I had to stop holding your hand.

Still warm.


End file.
